A struggle of a Threesome!

Lately I have had so much time on my mind to think about myself. It might sound egocentric to some of you. But I consider it my self-reflective stage.

My whole grown up life I have been so preoccupied taking care of others, working, being with people... around too many people at times. I even went through a stage where I had to have a never-ending number of friends and I would manage to invite them all to my very time consuming BBQs and parties.

Maybe I'm finally maturing, although that is a scary though (you know how I connect that to aging!!). All i can do lately is contemplate on what will happen in my future. This leads to a constant state of struggle in between who I represent at the moment, who I want to be and who I dream to be.

Who I am at the present:
I could be satisfied with my present situation. I live in London which is a great city. I work for an award winning agency, where there is a light of a committed growth. I have my own place. I go out anytime I want to. I'm very independent. I'm close to my family. I have traveled and lived abroad for the last 13 years of my life.

Yet I feel restless more than ever. I can't stop thinking of who I want to be:
I want to be very successful. Although I'm not ruled by a materialistic nature, I want to be wealthy and recognized. Partly for the selfish sense of not having to worry sick of my family. Is it because I care or because I need peace of mind? Both I think. I also need to feel accomplished on a professional level... and I still don't. I feel like I need to be determined to become an executive of something, somewhere. I need to be in charge, making big decisions, assigning projects and presentation to a whole stuff a people running around. I could start investing and grow stronger and bigger than ever. This my responsible side. Which also convinces me that I should be able to take night classes and get a degree like in International Business, or Marketing, or Law, or Political Science, or at least study a couple of languages that can be challenging (like Arabic or Russian, or Japanese).

The third is who I dream to be:
such is ruled by my adventurous and impulsive side. I fantasize about my future to the point that I believe it could happen. I imagine quitting my job without giving a notice to pursue acting full time, or to travel the world with a camera and just capture anything in my sight. I think how wonderful it would be to spend time volunteering in impoverished countries, helping children, and women who have been abused. I would only have a smelly back-pack. Wouldn't that be more fulfilling then riding the tube every day and sitting in front of a computer all day listening to people talking about the same crap every day!

What do I do? I wish that voice in my head would give me a final answer. Instead it just keeps on changing its mind between settling where I am, aiming for the stars or saving baby goats in Pakistan. I truly get in serious discussions with myself (or should I say with "myselves"!!??). Ce la vie! Maybe I just have to give up to the fact that I will never be happy. Happiness is an abstract painting that you can't get in. You can look happy. You can pretend to be happy. You can look back at a happy memory. But you never look at the future thinking "it will be a very happy tomorrow". Maybe this concept only makes sense to myself and the few voices whispering in my ears. Why can't I settle? What am I looking for? Success? Fame? Reward? Love? I feel like I'm the Alchemist, but a version that won't find peace in this lifetime.