Fears and Secrets of mine

At times, often I should say, I live in a state of mind that struggles in between fears and secrets, fears that become secrets and secrets that become fears.
The two melt into one shade of my being. I fear not to succeed, I fear not to reach my goals, I fear to have a life with no purpose, I fear that sometime it will be too late. All of them at some point become secrets… Secrets I keep from myself mostly, than I escalate on keeping them from people I care about. Why? Because then my secrets when aged for too long they are scary, and I fear of changing something that although not great is comfortable and familiar.

I fear immensely not to be able to be a good daughter, to take care of my aging parents, it makes me feel guilty and empty. I then hide this from them and in reaction to my fear I act cold and distant not to let them know of my true feelings and daunting worries. I fear that in the continuous race against time to do my best to look after them, I will forget about myself. About having a life of my own, a family… years will go by and it will be too late! Maybe it already is. This fear turns into resentment that I’m not proud of feeling and hence I hide it in my trunk of secrets.

Being impulsive and never have lived by “what if”, I never fear changes… but often fear afterward that I took the wrong turn. But ruled by my pride I rarely admit it, and once again I quickly stuff that thought as well in my famous trunk.

In evidence of real love, I question if it is indeed real… I over analyze it, is it just an infatuation? An obsession? An adoration? An admiration? An addiction? Should I let one year go by and see if I still feel that way? Should I wait a few years and see if the light-headed sensation at his sight is still so vibrant? Why not wait my whole life? Then if it does last forever maybe it was real love after all! But then I fear that it’s not mutual. Then why expose myself? I would risk to ridicule myself and compromise an enchantment that I treasure. The best solution is once again turn the whole matter in one big awkward secret, never allowing to let my guard down to reveal my true feelings. In desperation I hide this one at the very bottom of the secret trunk, well hidden under all my other irrational fears.

How many times I have re-lived in my head something. I reenacted word by word, step by step some non-sense discussion with someone. I then thought of all the most clever things I should have said. That tortures me, then I wonder if by misunderstanding I excluded that person just to avoid and admit my faults. Have you ever had a friend that inspired you? That her/his presence would enlighten the room? Like a fairy? In case of their disappearance I resented them and decided never to forgive them. Later I found myself wondering if it was just me. Wondering if I should just say “Hi, how are you?”. Being weak scares me once again, showing my tenderness scares me even more… I obviously promptly hide this thought in my fat trunk.

Isolation should solve all this problems, but it does not. It just gives me even more time to think about them. In my solace they have grown and now they risk to leak out of the trunk, no matter how many locks I seal it with.
The result? Maybe I’m just a liar, to myself mostly.

Books I read this year.

The God Delusion (Richard Dawkins)
Whether you agree with Dawkins or not, you will find yourself highly amused by his writing. I don’t consider myself an atheist, but I must admit that I shared a lot of the opinions that Dawkins talks about in his book. It’s very informative and humorous, I read it in a few days. Don’t let the title scare you and give it a chance, it’s a very smart read.

On the Origins of Species (Charles Darwin)
What a genius. I would have completely fell in love with this man if I had the chance to meet him. His book is detailed and rich in his discoveries, although at times a bit repetitive but still intriguing. I only recommend it to true lovers of natural history as myself, this is not for everyone.

An Unfinished Life (Robert Dallek)
This is such a beautifully told story. I must say I learned a lot about such a famous President that I thought I already knew everything about. Robert Dalleck keeps you intrigued and in a suspenseful state throughout the whole book.

Dreams form My Father (Barack Obama)
If you haven't read it yet, I highly suggest to get yourself a copy! He writes his own biography in a way that brings you on a dream like experience, you live his life through his words. He gained even higher respect from me after getting to know him this much closer.

Sola come un gambo di sedano (Luciana Littizzetto)
I read this on my way back from Merano. She is hilarious and has no fear to share the crazy thoughts that probably go through all of our minds. She humors dating, customer service, politics, food and diets, celebrities, and more.

The Art of Seduction (Robert Greene)
This is a really fun and easy read. I recognized myself under various profiles. It is really entertaining, especially as it relates for each Seducer type either a historic or legendary figure. I’m now more convinced than ever to be Cleopatra’s reincarnation!

2009: A year worth remembering

What a year! It has been so full of events and surprises. Some of them have been a first in history. Here is a list of what I consider worth remembering, what has affected me the most, and what I think has marked most of us.

President Barack Obama: The first African American president, the 44th president of the USA, the fifth youngest president of the United States. He’s the living proof of making The American Dream a reality.

Hillary Clinton: After graciously, losing the presidency to Barack, she was nominated Secretary of State. What a victory! What an inspiration to women world-wide!

The economy crashes world wide, the stock market collapses from NYC to London, and even Dubai! The crisis affected us all in way or the other.

The Celebrities’ “Massacre”: I don’t ever remember so many celebrities disappearing in one year! Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, Jett Travolta, Natasha Richardson, Billy Mays, David Carradine, and Brittany Murphy.

The Kennedy Dynasty ends: To join the sad news, also Ted Kennedy and Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

Italy is shocked by the politicians’ scandals who involve drugs, sex and trannies!!!

The scare of the Swine Flue: the world is terrified by a virus!

The Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi is attacked by a random young man who throws a Milan souvenir at his face. This causes national chaos and shows more and more the unhappy phase we are crossing.

On Christmas Eve the US Health Plan passes! It was about time!

Also on Christmas Eve the Pope Benidict XVI is attacked by a young girl who wants to hug him and makes him fall in the crowd!

China keeps on growing despite the crisis: they announce to have launched the fastest train in the world, it can reach up to 394 Km/Hr!!!

This is not a joke: An American, a Russian and a Japanese Astronauts safely land together on the International Space Station.

These are the news that I have most marked in my memory. There are many more, especially with all the wars and nuclear threats that are planted on the planet. But the ones I mentioned above are in my opinion what made 2009 so unique, whether they were positive or negative. We live in a world of progress that is already obsolete as a new discovery is revealed, we are ruled by speed and globalization, and we rarely really stop to contemplate on what is happening around us. What we are destroying in the process of building, we forget to discover who we really are inside, and we just don’t give a damn!

In the end I would like to say once more, 2009 was an historic year!

Pork recommendations???

This a list of reasons why I don’t belong to this forgotten in time piece of land in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea. The level of ignorance is overwhelming. I feel like a complete alien, not in the sense of a foreigner from another country, but like a creature from another planet. The whole place (just like a vast part of Italy as well), is ruled by male chauvinists’ rules, all centered on the idea of discrimination, mafia, unethical and immoral sources. I have been job hunting for the past two months. Never before in my life have I had such a problem finding employment. Certainly, it’s not the best time with the economic crisis that the world is suffering, yet the problem is not such in my case. Most of the adds I find they all state and require the following: “Good looking, age in between 20 and 26, attach photograph”… Are you in your 30s of 40s? Well too bad, you are obviously too old, and are not good for anything other than cooking dinner for your lazy and bold husband…. What? You are single! Even worse, divorced! You then are obviously a useless whore! Why would anyone hire you? Yes, you do also need to include in your job application if you are married, single or divorced. I was watching a show on TV, they were talking about how many brilliant scientists, inventors and researchers the fabulous country of Italy gives birth to, and how unfortunate it is that they always end up moving to other countries, they call it “la fuga dei cervelli”… “the escape of the brains”. But of course, why would anyone with a higher than average IQ level remain in this embarrassing nation? A nation that loves to label you, to drain you into a nothing if you are not connected or related to some rude politician who makes a fool out of himself on the news world-wide. Then one of the funniest thing happened to me, I heard of people who thank their doctors for being cured or visited by giving them whole dead piglets for roasting! (I’m sorry, don’t we have socialized medicine here? It’s not a favor… it’s their job as doctors!). A whole piglet? I have seen it with my eyes, people going to the hospitals with dead entire piglets in plastic bags, and doctors all happy and proud running through the parking lots and rushing home to bring the dead beast to be safely kept in their “icy-safes” (freezers). What is this place? What am I doing here? This is grotesque and archaic.

Dear Santa...

… am I too old to write you? I think this year I long for that feeling of magic and surprise. I urge for a miracle maybe. This is why I decided to write this letter. My whole life I have always calculated and planned everything… and lately I feel like my existence has taken a wild turn and I’m unable to tame it. No, not the kind of wild that finds you back in the morning with make-up smeared all over you face and a killer headache! I’m talking about that feeling of impotence towards life in general, when days go by and you feel like you have accomplished nothing. I feel useless.
Dear Santa, I don’t want to bore you any further with my long preface to my wish list:
1) Can you please reward me with a great job that will guide me through a sparkling career?
2) Can you change that part of my brain that always makes me think and care about others first rather than myself?
3) Can you send me a brilliant man that shares my passions and sense of adventure, has a good sense of humor, is handsome, is successful yet humble, and is also honest and loyal? And sober!
4) Can you also make my skin look like it used to be when I was 16? (Yes, I used to be one of those lucky teenagers with flawless skin!)
I think this should do it for at least this coming year. Did I ask for too much? In order of priority I would be happy if you at least granted wish number 1.

I hope it will make it to the North Pole before Christmas Eve... or maybe I could just deliver it myself to you if you allow me to stay over for a couple of nights... I have yet to visit your land.

Thank you & Merry Christmas!

PS: I've got you some Panettone.