What populates my mind...

Why is that the beginning always has to start with some sort of “this is the end” feeling? I always have to reach the bottom at first. How much stronger do I need to get? What do I have to prove and to who!?? What is the purpose of this life? We go through all of this experiences for nothing? Why? I heard in movie a great line that talked about reincarnation. They mentioned that if we do believe in that, how come that from 1.500.000 earth inhabitants now we are over 7 billions… are we fragments of souls reincarnated? Or are some souls are brand new? Who decides which baby gets an old soul and who gets a new one? Is there a waiting list? When an old one is not available at that instant they give you a new one? Or they really break them in pieces? How is that when I was little I used to tell my mother tales form I was old? And about deja-vu? And about instantly liking somebody and feeling like we know them? I do believe that we have old souls. I know I do. But I don’t understand what is the purpose if we can’t remember clearly our previous lives. What if we make the same mistakes over and over. If we learn from previous lives, as the new ones come along we should be more successful, and happy. Ok, if that was the case… how fucking stupid and with very little sense was I in my past? Maybe I was just an ape in my past life and I have been promoted to human being! Is that a promotion though? If I was an ape I would be concerned with finding bananas to eat, male apes to procreate with, and taking care of ape babies… wait that does not sound so exciting at all. Are we just ungrateful? Maybe that is the case. We are ungrateful son of a bitches! We are never happy. I am never satisfied with myself. No matter what I get and how bad I wanted it before I got it, as soon as I do… it’s not good enough anymore. And my goals have already instantly upgraded to higher ambitions and dreams. This constant chase for satisfaction is my source of personal un-satisfaction as ironic as it may sound. Is this what I learned leaving for so many years in a country that is ruled by working, money, status, material things, wanting more and more and believing that the sky is the limit? Would I have been happier in total ignorance of such? Probably yes, as they say ignorance is bliss. But having gained the knowledge I have only leads me to want to learn even more and faster and better than ever. It’s like a drug addiction for a never-ending personal improvement. Is that all it matters? Isn’t so individualist and selfish? Does it come so naturally to me because I’m only child? Am I and ego-maniac? Or is it that I don’t think I’m ever good enough? That I need others approval for my actions and accomplishments? Do I need to constantly impress others? Looking for acceptance? From who? In reality it's me, right?
I am also terrified by aging! There is the vanity part of it that drives me insane. Having lines on my forehead, the fearing of sagging, gaining weight, white hair, just getting old is ugly to me. And what if I want to have a baby? What if by the time I decide or have a partner I truly love is too late? I have always wanted to adopt for the following reasons:
• There are already too many babies and human beings on this planet, so why place one more on it!
• Fear of destroying my body with pregnancy
• Doubting that I might have to give up my career
• Not sure of wanting to raise a child on my own
• Selfishness!
With all these thoughts on my mind and questions about my being and future I have successfully overwhelmed myself. I can't even think of having the time to find the answers to my own questions.