Anything is sweeter when it comes to an end...

How ironic is it that almost every time I make a big decision, which usually brings to an end a previous or present condition, everything becomes more fun. I have once again decided to move. To my own surprise this time I'm moving back to my roots, back to my island, back to a world I barely relate to anymore.

Including small and big moves, I have so far moved 24 times in my life. That is an average of 1.54 a year of moves in my existence!

I left my land on a sunny and calm September morning in 1993. I left behind my crying parents with the promise I would have returned in six months. Sixteen years later I have yet to keep that promise! I have no regrets though. All the choices I have made in my life have contributed to make me grow and learn in a positive way.

I have been in London only eight months, I had thought that this city was going to be my permanent residence for a while, at least three years. Instead during the last couple of weeks, I have realized that my distance from my aging parents is the source of my unhappiness and stress. Being an only child, I think I started to feel a bit resentful (that my parents are aging against my will!)and guilty (for having spent so many years away form them)at the same time. It's a mix of internal feelings in turmoil with each other, which if you have not experienced it's hard to describe.

Of all the places I have left behind, the hardest was Los Angeles. I think the reason is because it was the first place that I chose on my own. I had felt at home on the very first day I had arrived. In a strange way it reminded me of Sardegna. I had to end my stay as well there, guided by my inner desire to be closer to my family. I had believed that London would have been the perfect choice. But as the time goes by, and my monthly visits get sadly stressful, I feel the need to be back home. As I said I like to live life with no regrets, I can't bare thinking that one day I had wished I had spent more time with my parents. To some people it might sound strange, in my opinion I have had plenty of selfish fun, and I still have my whole life ahead for me. Additionally change for me is always positive, it awakens my senses and pushes me to be more creative and inventive of my future ventures.

Now that I have decided to move from London, I'm finally having a blast! How strange is that? I guess that certain circumstances in my life were completely taking over my mood and perception of my surroundings. Now that my time is limited here, my eyes have opened and I truly am enjoying this city to the fullest. There is so much to do, see, and admire. It makes me happy, it is a problem free zone that I'm in now. It's like a vacation before my new experience back at home will start.

Maybe I should always attach an end date to anything I pursue, any of my goals. Maybe my fear is that sensation of "forever". If I can assign a limited time to any destination and job, it makes it instantly more pleasant and easy to tolerate. In fact it becomes fun. Should I translate this into a fear for commitment? Of any genre really. I have already started to tell myself that I will not be in Sardegna forever, it will be a phase, just a few years. How is it that stability and security makes me feel agitated and scared. I'm much more comfortable picturing my future as unpredictable as possible. That excites me.

Can a friendship expire?

What if I started to categorize all my friends and acquaintances as goods? I think I would first separate them into two main categories. Perishable and Imperishable. I have encountered some people in my life I never get tired of listening to their stories, spend time with, and simply be involved in their existence. However I have also met individuals that after the first enthusiastic friendship phase, the feeling sort of spoils and rots, and I don't feel the urge of being around them any longer. They simply expire! I feel like some friends are like precious gems, their sparkle never diminishes, and I treasure their friendship with care. While others are like fruit, or sushi, or anything that goes bad after a while. They are delicious at first, then they lose their original flare, to end like something you would rather avoid.

The same happens with love. Some loves are eternal, and some just don't last, but they rather repulse you after their expiration date.

Is it because almost everything has a circle? Some are infinite and others aren't. Why do I feel guilty? Why do I have to like everyone who likes me? It once again goes back to morals installed in our heads from childhood. Would you tell the "expired friend": -I'm sorry, but you have expired! Just the vision of you makes me nauseous...

I believe that the core of it all stands behind a simple explanation. Some us evolve, our tastes my change, our ideas become more sophisticated, we upgrade our philosophy in life. While others they just remain the same, they never change, this creates a discrepancy and clash of personalities. They are like obsolete computers. This is what creates the crash!

I lust after you...

... that is the feeling I have left!
Last night I went out with my friends. We went club hopping, one of the places was Volstead, a small cute venue where Madonna celebrated her 50th birthday. As I walked in I immediately was captured by the vision of the DeeJay, for whom I don't even have words to describe. How can some people be so perfectly beautiful? He must be the most handsome man I have ever seen in my entire life! To my own disbelief just by looking at him made my body temperature rise to a delirious fever high. Needless to say, I was glued to the dance floor the entire time right in front of the DeeJay booth! I even managed to get permission to dance on the cube next to him. I could not stop myself from staring at him, I tried, I could not! I just wanted to memorize every feature of his in my mind. He was however staring back... but it could have been a reaction to my creepy stare! I so lost my mind that I did something ridiculous, before I left I gave him my number and he thanked me while showing off the most perfect smile. I know he won't call me, it's ok... I will just keep on going there and happily stare at him!

How irrational is to feel such a strong feeling for someone whose name I don't even know! I don't know what his hobbies are, what his political views are, his taste in food, he vision on life and the world... does he have a sense of humor? How smart is he? Where is he from? And yet... I would escape with him to a deserted island and be there with him forever. Can physical attraction really be so powerful? Animals, we are animals after all.

I just did a fun little research on lust, and it came out that in most religions it always equals to some sort of evil vice. Humans just love to deny to be animals and love to label with guilt and negativity anything that is a feel-good instinctive sensation. The only demonic result of my "sighting" is that now I can't get him out of my mind. I shamelessly even tried to google him (remember I do NOT have his name!!)... that is a pure sign of my obsessive insanity .

I can lust after someone, or I can love someone. Can you love to be in lust? Or lust to be in love? I seriously need to end this non-sense. I have better things to do... as finding a way to schedule a visit to my new favorite club ;-)

London is SO TwoThousandAndLate!

This morning really was the last drop for me of my level of patience with this non caring and savage community I'm surrounded by! I have tried my best to get accustomed to the people who push you around in the streets, they step on you, sneeze on you on the tube without ever excusing themselves, nobody says "bless you", thank you, you're welcome, hello, but surely they all love to piss on every corner of the streets of this dusty, smoggy, grey and cold city. The smell of human urine and feces at times is so pungent it will make you gag!

Anyway, returning to the main waste subject that ticked me off this morning. I got up, had my yogurt and oats, I started doing my laundry, then gingerly decided to pick up my bags full or recycling waste (glass, paper and plastic items). I arrive at the recycling bin, and I start doing my good deed by carefully placing the items in the proper containers. The City if Westminster Garbage truck stops right in front of me, the garbage man gets out and approaches me while yelling "Oy! Oy! Wait!!". I'm sort of startled and stop what I'm doing to see what the strange man wants. He says "Hey Love, just throw it here". He opens the lid of the regular garbage bin, I try to tell him I recycle! He grabs my bags and throws them in the garbage!! I start screaming "Hello? Didn't I just say I RECYCLE??? What is wrong with you?". The rude garbage man tells me "Don't worry love, it's ok, it's all ok". Why do I waste my time carefully separating my recyclable trash, if then a dumb man is going to mix it all up? Am I the crazy one? Why are there recycling bins in front of my house if there are not to be used? And last but not least.... HOW DARE THE GARBAGE MAN CALL ME "LOVE"!

I'm so angry I have now a stomach ache! From now on I will only approach the recycling bins in the middle of the night and treat it as a secret mission! If anyone approaches me, and tries to stop me I might have to tase them to unconsciousness, and then I will throw them in the regular waste bin where they belong.

The Destruction vice Creation Contest!

Humanity is the best example of Bipolar disorder on a mass level. The most complicated, brain developed, and genius creature yet the most psychotic.

Since there have been records in history of humans, there have been wars, destruction, an urge to prove how powerful we are by wiping out human life, wildlife, monuments, and simply try to show off who cam more easily make our breed and planet disappear forever. It's a demonic desire to reach self-extinction on one side.

On the other side there are desperate over-developed brain creature (unbelievably still human), who are spending their lives trying to figure out how to save us. Researching against cancer, genetic diseases, Alzheimer, HIV, heart disease, and any other issue which afflicts the well being of humans and animals too. They have come as far as successfully cloning, experimenting on stem cells to aim at repairing our sick organs. They now have artificially produced even sperm in a lab. If this is not the sign of the human fear to fight against extinction, then I really I have no other explanation.

What amuses me is that the Chinese philosophy of the Yin Yang couldn't be more accurate than this. It proves we constantly are in a vortex of opposing forces. Is this what keeps an equilibrium? Then why does it feel so out of whack by the extreme differences? Good and Evil, Love and Hate, we all experience it on an individual level in our daily routines too. As individuals we are all different, some experience it on a milder level and others on a more acute stage such as Bipolar disorder. This is why on a mass global perspective I view humanity as the symbol of Bipolarity. In all eras we have had super-geniuses, kings of destruction, advocates of imbecility and radiant enlightened beings. Oddly we are all human... but at times I have my serious doubts about it.

The Tinkerbell Complex

I have been doing all of thinking and reflecting on myself lately. Call it a midlife crisis or boredom, either way I'm researching why I always follow in some ways the same patterns over and over. Some people make mistakes and learn from them, I just learn that I make mistakes and I deliberately repeat them.

It is proven that some men suffer from the Peter Pan complex. Such men refuse to grow up and manage to always look younger and behave as kids, just like in the tale by J.M. Barrie. Why am I talking about this? Last week I was actually watching some modern Peter Pan feature film on TV. While watching it, I felt that magic I use to feel every time my mom would read to me that tale. It is one of my favorite stories from my childhood. I liked it so much, that I would imagine myself packing a little bundle of clothes and having to leave to go to a beautiful magic place where everyone was young and never, ever had to grow up.

Since I watched the movie I started to list the men I've loved, the friends I surround myself by, the activities I choose to do on my time off... I was honestly not surprise by my own verdict. All the men always had the boyish look and the behavior of a teenager, all my friends are either younger than me or they have managed to maintain that child humor, and to top it all I still go to clubs and climb trees?! Shouldn't I feel too old for it? But I don't! In my head I'm still 18, I'm still learning, I'm still growing, I'm still dreaming! But most of anything I'm refusing to grow up!

What is the main symptom? Being attracted... (or shall I say addicted?) to men who suffer for the Peter Pan's complex. Therefore I must I have some sort of complex myself, that I would like to name "The Tinkerbell Complex": someone who gets obsessed and addicted to anything that resemble beauty, fun, and youth. Should I be concerned? Why should I? I find it to be a very entertaining way of living. This must be why I keep my feelings of love sometime so secret, because it remains in a magic hidden place where disappointment and reality does not exist, in a fantasy dimension where rejection is not allowed. Tinkerbell didn't even speak, she had attitude and quite the temper... but she never spoke.

Unlike her, here I am blogging away and typing my random thoughts all over the online universe.

Goodnight, I must go now, back to my tree house with my lightening bugs.

Modern Age Anti-social Syndrome

I just had the funniest conversation with someone I met at a club a few weeks ago. It really gave me something to think about! I'm aware I can't handle going out every weekend because at times I get exhausted by the enormous amount of brainless individuals who over-populate the clubs, the bars, the streets and pretty much the whole planet. Additionally I'm already forced to deal with people at work for 5 days a week.

This is why on weekends, I can do anything I want.

I can be social and decide to go dance and "tolerate" to be surrounded by people who struggle to have an intelligent conversation. Or I can be deliberately anti-social and lock myself in my own privacy of my home. I chose this option quite frequently I must admit.

I always think it's because I'm just not in the mood to be around people. I want to write, or read, or just watch TV... however I always end up on the computer thinking I'm just going to check my email for a minute. 5 hours later I'm still on the darn thing chatting on Facebook, sending emails, chatting on IM, searching for more reasons to chat! So am I really anti-social? Because in a way I'm striving to connect with everyone. Maybe I just have more fun virtually spending time with people rather than in reality.

Am I lazy? Hence that is what my friend suggested... in fact he had a brilliant idea that by having food delivered, a webcam, and online chatting I would never have to leave the house again on weekends... How scary.... that is usually what I do, with the exception of the webcam.

I was blaming my behavior on my recent move here in London for the a while. But now it has been almost 7 months and my "anti-social" habit is not improving. I think it might be laziness after all, you can be in your pjs, while eating and drinking, having a very busy virtual evening. Do you know how many people I have to catch up with? I have friends having babies, friends going on trips all the time and posting pictures I religiously need to comment on, plus I'm tormented by following all sort of news via Twitter!

My conclusion is that maybe I suffer from Modern Age Anti-social Syndrome (I just made it up!), a condition where you refuse to physically be around other people yet you urge to be virtually in touch with everyone you know. Maybe it's the awareness that as soon as you are bored and tired you can just LOG OFF. We are disconnected on a human level, yet overly connected online where we love discovering what all of our friends are doing in their social life... isn't that a paradox?